Thursday, 3 September 2009

Published in Ludlow Advertiser: 27/8/09

Dear Sir

Although I say it myself, I think that I have had a rather wonderful idea which may interest your readers.

This wonderful idea will, I strongly believe, help Ludlow to become even more unappealing to visitors and residents alike. It will further assist our formerly lovely town to become more like every other bland, homogenised market town in England.

My rather wonderful idea will (and I’m particularly proud of this bit) take place now, in the middle of a grim and terrible economic depression. I will make this idea happen now, because what the residents of Ludlow need is for the value of their houses to decrease further. I will also do it now because it will discourage tourists from visiting Ludlow, and we all know what tourists do, don’t we? Yes! They come to Ludlow and spend lots of money, and then they go away and tell all their friends about how lovely it is. And we don’t want that, thank you very much.

So my rather wonderful idea is this: I shall make it even more difficult, and even more expensive for people to park their cars in Ludlow. I shall make it so difficult, and so expensive in fact, that nobody will want to live here, and nobody will want to visit. I shall organise a team of men to drive around in a fleet of trucks to dig up the roads so that they can install many more parking meters, and paint many more double yellow lines and cause merry havoc. I think I shall organise for this to happen in the middle of August when there are hoards of nasty tourists around. I’m not sure how I shall pay for my rather wonderful idea (for it will surely cost an absolute fortune), but I expect I will be able to find a way to pass the expense on to local residents.

I’d be surprised if any of your readers also think that this is a rather wonderful idea, but perhaps you’d be kind enough to run it past them.

Yours sincerely

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